we the living

this is why i want to be a doctor:

"Comrade Commissar, you see, I love him. And he is sick. You know what sickness is? It's something strange that happens in your body and then you can't stop it. And then he dies. And now his life--it depends on some words and a piece of paper--and it's so simple when you just look at it as it is--it's only something made by us, ourselves, and perhaps we're right, and perhaps we're wrong, but the chance we're taking on it is frightful, isn't it? They won't send him to a sanatorium because they didn't write his name on a piece of paper with many other names and call it a membership in a Trade Union. It's only ink, you know, and paper, and something we think. You can write it and tear it up, and write it again. But the other--that which happens in one's body--you can't stop that. You don't ask questions about that. Comrade Commissar, I know they are important, those things, money, and the Unions, and those papers, and all. And if one has to sacrifice and suffer for them, I don't mind. I don't mind if I have to work every hour of the day. I don't mind if my dress is old--like this--don't look at my dress, Comrade Commissar, I know it's ugly, but I don't mind. Perhaps, I haven't always understood you, and all those things, but I can be obedient and learn. Only--only when it comes to life itself, Comrade Commissar, then we have to be serious, don't we? We can't let those things take life. One signature of your hand--and he can go to a sanatorium, and he doesn't have to die. Comrade Commissar, if we just think of things, calmly and simply--as they are--do you know what death is? Do you know that death is--nothing at all, not at all, never again, never, no matter what we do? Don't you see why he can't die? I love him. We all have to suffer. We all have things we want, which are taken away from us. It's all right. But--because we are living beings--there's something in each of us, something like the very heart of life condensed--and that should not be touched. You understand, don't you? Well, he is that to me, and you can't take him from me, because you can't let me stand here, and look at you, and talk, and breathe, and move, and then tell me you'll take him--we're not insane, both of us, are we, Comrade Commissar?"

Ayn Rand, We the Living, Part ONE, Chapter XVI

difficult decisions

life is full of difficult decisions.

this weekend, my brother wanted me to take him to the library, so while there, i decided that i should start reading (for pleasure) again. i think since high school, i have read maybe 1 or 2 books not for a class. i will admit it, but yes, i am ashamed. every week, newsweek interviews a writer and makes a list of his/her top 5 favorite books. a few weeks ago, they interviewed ha jin. he sounded like a modern day amy tan. and i like newsweek, and i liked amy tan when i was young, so i figured i would like ha jin. i checked out two of his books: waiting and war trash. i started reading waiting first (probably because it was shorter). it is set in cultural revolution china and is about a doctor who is trying to get out of a loveless marriage (to a woman his parents picked and she has bound feet) so he can marry is nurse girlfriend. anyway, it was totally boring. why do people write with so many dumb descriptions in such a generic way? like, who cares if a bird flies off in the distance as the protagonist walks along in the countryside? so then i became worried that all this asian drama watching had numbed my senses and made me too impatient to read. maybe i forgot that cultural revolution stories are always so cliche. [actually, i did immensely enjoy the cultural revolution novel gang of one by (a family friend!) fan shen, one of the maybe 1 or 2 books i have read since high school. seriously, i would recommend it. a fast and enjoyable read!]

so then, i decided to read something else. i had bought a copy of we the living (by ayn rand) many, many years ago, and now i finally decided to read it. by contrast, rand's descriptions are tight and fitting: "They put their bundles on the floors, and their bodies on the bundles, and slept...When at last, snorting and groaning, the train rumbled in, men besieged it with fists and feet and ferocious despair." the first chapter ends like this:

"Alighting, she stopped for one short second of hesitation, as if feeling the significance of the step. Her foot was sunburned, and she wore a home-made wooden sandal with leather straps. For one short second the foot was held in the air. Then the wooden sandal touched the wooden boards of the platform: Kira Argounova was in Petrograd."

and it was upon reading this that i knew i wanted to finish the book. you can tell already that kira argounova is going to be a hero (the likes of roark and dagny!) and now i realize why i couldn't finish waiting. the protagonist in that novel is anything but a hero. who wants to read about him??

the only problem is, i really want to know what happens next in we the living and i really want to know what happens next in sweet relationship. so what am i going to read/watch tonight?! life is full of difficult decisions.